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Friday, 16 November 2012

Three Line Pitch - Tethered

Over the last few weeks I've been considering agent hunting. I've seen a few pitch contests on the internet but judged myself not yet ready and put them on my to-do list for next year. Yesterday, however, I saw the hashtag #pitchwars pop up on Twitter and decided to investigate. Pitch Wars is an "event where agented authors, industry interns, and editors team up with aspiring writers to shine up their manuscripts and pitches to present to some awesome agents." You can check out more details here. Aside from Keir's sequel I only have one MS complete that I can pitch - my sfr Tethered - and although I think this is probably too short for an agent, I decided it would do me good to at least throw my hat into the ring. So, I need a three line pitch. Below I have three drafts I've done, and I'd love your opinions on them. Seriously, let rip. I'd rather you were honest if they suck.

1.Every one hundred years the Terrans must renegotiate a peace treaty with the fearsome Tier-vane, or risk plunging humanity into a war it may not win. But when an assassination attempt succeeds in killing one of the two Terran delegates, Tyree of the Su - an assassin herself and sister clone to the murdered delegate - finds herself thrust into the role and in serious danger. Can she hide the fact that she's a replica and still prevent further attempts to wreck the treaty, while in danger of losing the heart she didn't know she had to her charming yet scarred co-delegate Zander D'joren?

2.Tyree of the Su is a psi-talented assassin, bred and trained, genetically perfect. But when her sister clone - one of a pair of delegates negotiating the essential peace treaty between the Terrans and the fearsome Tier-vane - is killed, Tyree must attempt to take her place. Her task - to keep herself and her co-delegate alive long enough to complete the negotiations without being spotted as a fake - and without losing her heart to her charming yet deeply scarred co-delegate, Zander D'joren.

3.When assassin Tyree of the Su is asked to take the place of her murdered sister clone as Terran co-delegate to the deadly Tier-vane, she's also assigned to protect the remaining diplomat - Zander D'joren. Her task - pretend to be co-delegate Mirsee in all ways, keep the pair of them alive long enough to complete the negotiations and return home to Refuge. But Tyree never expected losing her heart to her charming yet scarred partner to be as much of a risk as losing her life.

10 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. I vote for pitch #2. Sounds interesting and flows well. Love it! :)

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  3. Sounds really exciting! My pick is a combo of #1 and #2. I really love the 'bred and trained, genetically perfect' line. Wow! For me, I really like how you ended #1 with a question...so I combined the two. Feel free to disregard if you want ;) Good luck with the pitch! Excited for ya! :D

    Tyree of the Su is a psi-talented assassin, bred and trained, genetically perfect. But when her sister clone - one of a pair of delegates negotiating the essential peace treaty between the Terrans and the fearsome Tier-vane - is killed, Tyree must attempt to take her place. Can she hide the fact that she's a replica and still prevent further attempts to wreck the treaty all while guarding her heart against her charming and deeply scarred co-delegate… Zander D'joren?

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  4. I like #2, but like the simplicity (and straight-to-the-point directness) of #3. The first line in #2 explains who Tyree is...and then you can go into #3... Yeh, just change the beginning of #3 and carry on.
    GOOD LUCK!!!! :D

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  5. I love number two Pippa. :) Good luck! The book sounds great.

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  6. #1 takes too long to get to the point. #2 and #3 are much more succinct and stack the odds better. I'd go for #3 with that first line from #2. It doesn't give too much detail, so it doesn't get bogged down. Which is what TKToppin said :)

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  7. I like a little bit of all three, but I do think you have too many details and they are masking the main plot. I don't know anything about pitch lines, but how about something like this:

    Tyree of the Su is a psi-talented assassin, bred and trained, genetically perfect. When her sister clone is murdered(?) while negotiating the essential peace treaty with the fearsome Tier-vane, Tyree must step in and take her place without being discovered as a fraud. Can she keep herself and her co-delegate alive long enough prevent a war that humanity may not win without losing her heart to her charming yet deeply scarred co-delegate, Zander D'joren.

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  8. Hi Pippa! Just wanted to say that all three are fine of course. I think number 3 is more to the point. Still, it is a matter of what you want.

    Good to see you around the cyber. I missed everyone!

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    1. Kaye, it's so good to see you back! :)
      Thanks for dropping by to comment on this, I appreciate it. :)

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  9. This to everyone on your feedback - I appreciate it all! :)

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I always love to hear your thoughts.